Originally posted on Thought Catalog (http://thoughtcatalog.com/kate-doggett/2014/02/why-do-we-love-the-people-we-cant-have/)

Sometimes I find myself with this deep urge to run to you and tell you everything. For my words to bloom with your presence. To not mask a single feeling or hint of emotion from you, to emit my entire life story one night in the rain. As cheesy as it sounds, I want to cry while I press my ear to your chest. I find myself feeling most alive when hearing the sound of your life beating behind your rib cage.

I’ll wrap you tightly in my arms and cry onto your sweater proclaiming my loneliness and my longing for your company. I’ll tell you how I think I’m addicted to heartbreak. I’ll tell you that you’re the one I was thinking of as I plucked the petals off the daisy and concluded, “He loves me not.”

In my mind I romanticize your problems; I can’t help but find them beautiful. You told me that you shouldn’t be with me until you sort your demons out. Is it strange that I want your demons to become our demons? Your past doesn’t hinder me, I only care about your future — a future that hopefully holds me next to you.

I could probably spend five straight days in bed with you, side by side, doing nothing but listening to your breath and letting our fingertips dance on each other’s skin. I could listen to your stories of your travels, of your past, taking notes in my head as your words flow freely from your mouth.

Instead, you spend hours upon hours listing the reasons why I’m too good for you. I don’t want to hear it, I’d prefer to hear how I belong with you. Just because I haven’t revealed my own demons yet doesn’t mean they’re nonexistent.

People say that you’ll get what you want if you want it badly enough, but I want you so bad that it hurts. What they say has yet to be proven true, when does it become enough? It feels like it’s been forever since we’ve met, but you still have yet to realize we are worthy of each other’s love.

We crave what we can’t have, what we are unable to obtain — but why? Why do we always want what other people tell us we can’t have? Why does it feel like a never ending cycle where you belittle the ones who do like you and are belittled by the ones you pursue? When is there a break in this cycle?

Perhaps we continue along this cycle for the art that we can create from it. From misery comes inspiration, right? I can write word after word and create substance out of my feelings. Yet sometimes I fee like I’m only capable of loving someone who doesn’t love me back. In the times I have thought I had found love, it was never there. When I have been loved, I haven’t felt the same. Do we even know what love really is if I have never experienced a love that is reciprocated? Is it that we feel we’re not worthy of love, so we chase it where it will never exist?

Maybe so, but maybe that’s what love is. Love is putting your heart into something that you are uncertain about. Someone that you find rare, maybe someone you wish you were more like. You love someone you are fascinated by, not someone who is going through the same day-to-day routine as you. Maybe what you love what you find interesting, not familiar or ordinary. Unfortunately, that’s why it doesn’t always work out — because of those differences. But who am I to define what love is, when I’m not sure if I’ve even truly felt what love is capable of?

I want to tell you I think I have finally found love with you. I almost expect you to save me, which I know I shouldn’t do. You can be the one to break me free from the cycle. I continue to linger at the thought that you are something, but inherently I know it will end in heartbreak once more. It’ll end with me chain-smoking cigarettes just to recall the taste of when you last kissed me.




I have been following updates on the Halloween Haunts Scream Park Manila for weeks now, ever since I first caught wind of what would have been the first Hollywood style horror attraction here in the Philippines.

Unfortunately, due to the park’s obvious mismanagement and overall sketchy marketing tactics, it seems that people are slowly becoming enraged over the whole fiasco. Some are even starting to believe it might be a scam. I think, from what I have been gathering, it really wouldn’t be all that far off. 

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I had such high hopes for this park :(((( WHYY/ 

Source: strawberrybloody
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They say third time is the charm - but i really don’t want to have my heart broken for a third time. 

Twice. Twice this academic year have I had my heart broken. It doesn’t seem that big of deal, except it seems to be the same reason over and over again. 

I can’t help thinking na ako na talaga yung mag sapak sa mundo. Once, gets ko; pero twice? That’s just ridiculous. 

For now. I’m probably still in shock. I mean, I’m not crying much, I’ve managed to joke around and genuinely laugh, hell I even managed to serve as a listening board for someone else’s problems. But seriously, I’ll prolly bawl my eyes out once it all sinks in. 

Raph and I aren’t dating anymore. 

I don’t know how to react really. I mean, I seriously, seriously liked the guy. Even Tricco could testify that he had never seen me as clingy as I had been with him - and Tricco has known me for years. 

and ironic since the afternoon before my world crumbled for the moment, I actually stopped by Goldilocks to inquire about their delivery services. You see, I was planning on having a cake delivered to him on Valentine’s - that was even if I was on super thesis mode, at least I made sure that this year’s Valentine’s wouldn’t be so awful as his last one was. 

But that turned out so well. ._. Now I managed to ruin both our Valentine’s. And for the first time since senior year - I’d be miserable on Valentine’s. 

But that’s a whole different story. 

Anyway, I suppose I should have seen this coming - I mean, right from the start he did tell me that he wasn’t looking to be committed, and for reason, I went ahead and jumped in. Maybe it was because I was stupid at that time, or maybe I was blinded by how much I really like, or maybe some small (and obviously stupid) part of me hoped that I’d be able to change that. 

Now, aside from being in severe shock, all i could think of at the moment is how much I miss him. I miss talking to him, hearing his laugh if he sends me a “laughing” emoticon on facebook, just nonchalantly talking to him about the most random of things, our conversations that could be about me entering the convent, or about Senator Bong Bong Marcos’ chances of winning the presidency on 2016, I miss the red notification that would pop up on Facebook above his name, or his picture on my phone’s screen when I’d get a message from him. I’m going to miss the dates that happened, the movies, the food trips and the carefree walking and talking, I’m going to miss the dates that won’t ever happen like the trip to the park and the swimming. I’m going to miss the feel of his hands around mine or when he hugs me when I get too cold. 

I’m going to miss so much. and I don’t know how to deal with it. 

For now, I could bury it deep down until all this is over - I could stay composed during the day, maybe be a little more bitchy than usual, then break down into uncontrollable tears when I get home. I don’t know. 

For now, I just miss him. So much. 

and I can’t help but ask if there’s something wrong with me. Why does this keep happening to me? Is this some sort of twisted karma? It probably is. But seriously, haven’t I suffered enough for me sins? 

"Don’t try to make me stay, or ask if I’m ok. I don’t have the answer. Don’t make me stay the night, or ask if I’m alright. I don’t have the answer" - Irresistible, One Direction 

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